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Those of you who have had the privilege of reading Fifty Shades of Grey will appreciate the context in which this review was written For those of you who have not read the book, well, you ll have to buy a copy to understand the inside joke CONTRACTDated this day 28th day of October, 2011BETWEENP.A LUPTON reader, and fan, Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James AndALL FANS OF EROTIC, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCEEXPECTATIONSReaders can expect to find within the pages of this book a flawless rendering of the internal, psychological struggles of a novice submissive in a BDSM relationship Anastasia Steele is an innocent to sexual relationships, let alone BDSM relationships E L James captures perfectly her fears, confusions, insecurities, and internal conflicts as she deals with falling in first love with a man who epitomizes the meaning of dominant.CHARACTERSThe reader shall discover within this novel two of the most well thought out and in depth characters The hero Christian Grey admits that he is Fifty shades of Fu ed up, which makes the reader want to delve in and learn about each of those fifty shades The heroine Anastasia Steele is a study in contradictions smart but na ve, innocent yet sensual, independent yet submissive, and these paradoxes keep the reader captivated and eager to learn THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWSUpon signing this contract, you the fan agree to proceed to your nearest bookstore, or e book retailer, and immediately purchase a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey I PA Lupton warrant that upon reading said copy a multitude of emotions will inevitably ensue I further warrant that disappointment will not be one of the aforementioned emotions Your signature on this contract further indicates your accord in following the rules set out in APPENDIX 1 to this agreement.SIGNATURE APPENDIX 1RULES1 Please ensure that you have Kleenex prepared when you read this novel as build up of emotions will unavoidably lead to the inadvertent shedding of tears.2 Make certain to schedule ample time for reading as once you begin you will be unable to put your book down Be warned If obligations force you to cease reading prior to completion, for long periods of time, it will inevitably lead to impatience and frustration.3 IMPORTANT Cold liquids, ice, cool cloths, or any cooling equipment such as central air or electric fans should be close at hand Reading the romantic i.e sex scenes in this book without these cooling devices will certainly lead to overheating 4 Enjoy In the words of Miss Steele, You need to sort your shit out, Grey Good day, sir Fifty Shades of Grey, like Fifty shades of fucked up nonsense rolls eyes I should get a medal for just finishing this tripe I honestly do NOT feel like revisiting this book and writing a review I d rather spend the time searching for ways to remove this utter nonsense from my memory However, this book is so bad that I feel the need to warn others from this drivel Luckily, I did not buy this garbage I do not even know what overcame me to read it and I can only blame a momentary lack of judgment on my part.What baffles me is the scary fangirlgasm following this book So what s causing it a hit I can only come up with twilight Doing some research, this book was originally posted online as a twilight fanfic Yes, a twilight fanfic The fact that this book s source material isn t a good piece of literature just shows what you should expect from this book And dubbing it a twilight fanfic and promoting it as such is no doubt raising the bar on the sale figures What has the world come to headdesk Whatever s causing its success I can safely say it can t be the book itself.Everything you could possibly imagine is wrong with this book The execution and the characters And the writing And the plot wait, was there one Firstly, it has been said a countless number of times how abusive Bella and Edward s relationship was And it is arguably the most anti feminist portrayal of any relationship FSoG simply continues this unhealthy view and promotes an even abusive and degrading relationship towards women, targeting older women and possibly even teenage girls who know no better Oh dear god, I hope teenage girls do not jump on this disturbing bandwagon Surely, it is degrading to ask a woman to sign a contract where she is now the property of the Dominant, to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases and submitting herself to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant without hesitation or argument especially when you take into consideration the fact that she would be signing up to something she has not yet experienced and knows little about as she is still a virgin This is not something that should be promoted as desirable or idealistic This book cheapens what feminists have fought for years Don t get me wrong I wouldn t deprive women of their right to express themselves sexually, nor to act upon their desires but I shudder at the thought of women aspiring to a relationship where she will take part in various things that she is not comfortable with and at times, even when she s genuinely in fear of taking part, simply because she finds the guy hot.The plot I m not even sure if there was one 50% of the book is spent talking about sex the contract and the other 50% is made up of clumsily written sex scenes view spoiler FSoG starts of with Anastasia Steele agreeing to interview the billionaire, Christian Grey Miss Steele is instantly captivated by Mr Grey s dashing looks and within 2 days she falls in love with him Mr Grey for some unfathomable reason can t keep away from her and reveals to her his secret kinky lifestyle The two spend the rest of the romantic evening calmly discussing the contract that allows him to fuck her senseless She reveals to him that she s a virgin and his only response, he needs to handle that situation ReallyThe next 4 days, he gets to do exactly what he wants, he stalks her, abuses her and punishes her by spanking her several times Quotes that spring to mind Please don t hit me don t be angry with me don t want you to spank me Aww, isn t that romanticAtleast, she finally sees some sense and walks out hide spoiler When Literature Student Anastasia Steele Goes To Interview Young Entrepreneur Christian Grey, She Encounters A Man Who Is Beautiful, Brilliant, And Intimidating The Unworldly, Innocent Ana Is Startled To Realize She Wants This Man And, Despite His Enigmatic Reserve, Finds She Is Desperate To Get Close To Him Unable To Resist Ana S Quiet Beauty, Wit, And Independent Spirit, Grey Admits He Wants Her, Too But On His Own Terms Shocked Yet Thrilled By Grey S Singular Erotic Tastes, Ana Hesitates For All The Trappings Of Success His Multinational Businesses, His Vast Wealth, His Loving Family Grey Is A Man Tormented By Demons And Consumed By The Need To Control When The Couple Embarks On A Daring, Passionately Physical Affair, Ana Discovers Christian Grey S Secrets And Explores Her Own Dark Desires.Erotic, Amusing, And Deeply Moving, The Fifty Shades Trilogy Is A Tale That Will Obsess You, Possess You, And Stay With You Forever.This Book Is Intended For Mature Audiences. Introducing an even abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT Now with whips and chainsFifty Shades of Shit Haters, please exit stage left.I m not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey I thought I might genuinely like it before I started, but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck Whatever it was that brought on this knee jerk purchase seems to have mercifully left me with enough common sense to say I will not be continuing on with this series.Recently I discovered one of my favorite publishers, Random House, has picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and made this statement An orig i nal work, and said to us that James had war ranted the books were, indeed orig i nal Mes sitte added she was aware of the nar ra tive that 50 SHADES started as dif fer ently titled piece of fic tion, but that they were and are two dis tinctly sep a rate pieces of work I m sorry, but I m going to have to call bull shit on that Fifty Shades of Grey and Master of the Universe the original fan fic are essentially the same thing The biggest difference being Edward and Bella s name being replaced with Christian and Anastasia respectively And I would know this because I have both and while I was reading, I would occasionally switch back and forth between the two without difficulty I d go through and give you examples myself, but other people have done it already here and here So if you must read this book, do yourself a solid and find the fan fic online You even get the second book too I know some people claim this has no similarities to Twilight and got dammit, I m allergic to all the bull shit Do I really need to point this all out Because it looks pretty obvious to me The mannerisms of the characters are exactly the same They even say similar things the original characters say The whole dazzle line and Edward asking Bella to trust him Her mother being remarried with the same inability to maneuver her way around a kitchen Bella is still trying to save Edward from himself due to his troubled past Edward still stalks and controls Bella, only now he gets to hit her when she gets out of line facepalm Shall I beat them both Yes I struggled to come up with a proper review for this book and couldn t figure out why I was feeling rather uninspired to write one And then I figured it out I was left so disgusted by this book that I wanted to purge the memory of its existence from my mind With a rusty nail Every time I thought of the book my brain cells would go on strike, yelling obscenities at me Anyway, I thought Bella and Edward s relationship couldn t get any fucked up than Twilight I stand corrected If I were to describe FSoG in one sentence it would be this Fifty Shades of Grey is like Twilight on steroids, high on ecstasy, in a dirty little corner A very dirty corner With badly written sex Lots.Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.ohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexFifty Shades of Grey tells the story of the beautiful but of course she doesn t know it , naive virgin, Anastasia Steal after she is suckered into interviewing the Greek god, Christian Grey Of course, sparks fly and for some unknown reason he can t seem to stay away from this incredibly, unremarkable girl Ana discovers Christian is into BDSM and desires her as his submissive fuck buddy.There are a myriad of problems with this novel, many of which ironically can be found in Twilight Never saw that one coming Christian Edward is still a controlling bastard, only now he hides behind his BDSM practices to camouflage his abusive tendencies However, Ana doesn t see it that way She thinks of him as a broken person and it s her duty to fix him Even when he says things like this I want to hurt you But not beyond anything you couldn t take Can you believe she let s him beat her after that And please don t even bother to tell me that it s just BDSM No, just fucking no Ana is genuinely afraid of Christian and is never entirely comfortable with the punishment aspect of their relationship But Christian just manipulates her with sex to continue the relationship And that s what really gets me I just have a hard time believing a virgin would somehow become a sex goddess overnight, because that is exactly what happens When she first is introduced to his kinky lifestyle and tells him she is a virgin he immediately tells her he needs to handle that situation before they could continue What Since when is your virginity a situation But, that s not really the kicker Oh, no, because that is when we are introduced to Ana s two best friends Everyone say hi to Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.ohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexAnna s inner goddess, who always cheers her on when Christian wants sex or wants to punish her She s also quite annoying, doing back flips at the mention of anything sexual related Simmer down Where did she come from exactly Ana is in her twenties and has never felt the urge to have sex with anyone until Christian comes along with his whips and chains And Ana s sub conscious, who hides behind couches when it comes time for her beating When it comes to Ana having sex with Christian, well, her sub conscious only has one thing to say, So after the situation is handled, Ana has to sign a contract agreeing to his sexual demands and also outlining things she won t do It was pretty pointless considering he still got what he wanted and she never signed the damn thing He exploits her, stalks her and abuses her She cries after sex She is afraid of him being angry Even when he is angry at something else, she thinks it s her Her reasoning for allowing him to hit her as his therapy is because she s afraid to lose him That is not a reason for agreeing to a BDSM lifestyle In fact, that s not even really consent These quotes just scream domestic abuse to me Please don t be angry with me, I whisper Please don t hit me, I whisper, pleading.His brow furrows, his eyes widening He blinks twice I don t want you to spank me Not here Not now Please don t Yeah, he s a real catch, that one Barf No, excuse me That s not right The barfing came when the little ass wipe PULLED HER TAMPON OUT AND RAMMED HIMSELF INSIDE OF HER OMFG Yes, the caps were totally necessary because that was the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune of reading That is not sexy, that s foul.Whenever Ana thinks about leaving him, he comes over to her apartment unannounced pounds into her literally and her inner goddess does a fucking happy dance, forgetting her urge to kick his sick ass to the curb They fight, they breakup They kiss, they sex up.Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.ohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexChristian Do you still want me gone Ana Inner goddess growl Sub conscious Dance, puppet Dance.The writing is a shitty mess too I mean, if I had to sit and read Ana saying Holy, shit or Holy, Fuck or Oh, my one time, I was going to lose it I wanted to take my red pen and have at this book so badly It was the little things like Ana s roommate saying over and over, You never cry Ana, and what do we find Ana always doing Crying I m not sure where the hell the plot was smacks forehead How silly of me Didn t I mention this was a Twilight retelling Why was I expecting a plot And another example of poor writing for these characters to be American, they sounded very British to me They used phrases that Americans don t use.And now I m trying to figure out why this book is so popular Why do so many women love this book I get the appeal of the bondage even though it s not my usual cup of tea Whips Chains Sounds exciting Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.ohsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex Abuse Not so much.Fuck my life Zero stars Eh, I m off to read a good book now and possibly to bleach my brain.More reviews at Cuddlebuggery Book Blog. Head s up If any of you fuckers comment at the bottom of this review and say, You don t understand BDSM I will hunt you down and make you eat your computer, plus the mouse, plus the keyboard, plus any other internet connected devices in your home, including but not limited to iPhones, iPods, iPads, Androids, games consoles and ereaders This book is not an accurate or healthy portrayal of a real BDSM relationship between two consensual and enthusiastic parties Thus, by defending it as such, you are doing a disservice to the actual culture of BDSM no kinkshaming So don t fuck with me and try to pull that shit.Oh, also, there will be a substantial amount of cussing throughout this review If you care about the sanctity of your virgin eyes then shut down your computer and go do something else We are all grown ass adults and this is the internet If you re going to come over and here and lecture me about swearing then I d advise that you PIPE the fuck down and stop being so bloody delicate Alrighty, then You guessed it, guys it s story time.When I was thirteen, I decided I wanted to be an author For years I d chattered away about being an architect or a vet or what have you, but who was I kidding All I ever wanted to do was write So I sat down, and I did I did write.I m actually not shitting you I thought it would be as easy as sitting down and writing some crap on Wordpad alright, calm down, this was the noughties and I wrote a lot of crap I tried to write a play, and then I tried poetry, and then I wrote short stories, before eventually expanding into novels Novels is a stretch I wrote about a hundred single spaced pages and to my present day horror, made my family read it And they actually did Remember all those embarrassingly awful school projects you did when you were thirteen Or even just those embarrassingly awful things you did in general when you were thirteen I feel the same level of shame when I think of my little preteen self, handing this pile of shit over to my sister and thinking I actually had something.About a year later, with zero knowledge of how publishing works, I posted it straight into a bunch of indie publisher s slushpiles A vanity publisher replied to me and told me they didn t want my work, and I did the undoable I argued with them.As I write this, I m practically convulsing with embarrassment Vanity Publisher, if you re reading this, please forget I ever existed But if you can t do that, at least give me an alias when you tell all your friends about that dumb kid who sent you the book about pyromania without having done any research.In some ways, having read this book, I finally feel like I identify with that vanity publisher I read someone s irredeemable shit and hated it, but then they tried to defend it and I got so mad I broke a window with my face Peeps, if you think E.L James hasn t tried to defend this shit, then you need to get on YouTube and watch some pleading vids from the publisher I justI haven t read a book this awful since Revealing Eden but let s not open that can of worms It was like an acid trip Am I reading this, I thought Is this actually a published book Are people actually parting with money for this slab of steaming garbage I feel like this book insulted me, really I feel like it spat in my face, because what reader respecting author would create a protagonist this redundant and awe inspiringly dense, expecting an audience to love and respect her It s as if someone took an ice cream scoop and relieved Ana of her brain How could you Why would you Why is she I justI have no words I have no words to explain this protagonist None at all I have to say about the love interest, who s like a threatening Charles Manson but with only one brainwashed follower Ana This guy goes to the hardware store and buys like chains and lime and shit and Ana doesn t think this is weird What the fucking fuck And of course there s the whole inner goddess shit and Ana thinking that it s sexy to wear a chunky knit sweater and be strapped into a vehicle, and then using the word vagina during a sex scene Oh, he touched my vagina.Yeah, excuse me while I tame my boner I felt so uncomfortable reading this book Now, let s be honest here I read porn Of course I read porn Anyone over sixteen who says they ve never looked at or read porn is talking out of their ass But this book made me feel uncomfortable, and here s the kicker I read it alone I was reading it alone in my living room, and I felt uncomfortable inside my own head What the fuck does that tell you I don t want to start yammering on about the way this book is written It s written like horrendous fanfiction There are spelling and punctuation errors, stupid turns of phrase, random asides, stilted dialogue, awful physical descriptions, weird pacing, and I don t know, like a thousand instances of brand dropping and band naming which gives the book this bizarre cheap and dated quality that really takes away from what little redeeming features it might have had.What are the redeeming features I don t know The blurb sounds interesting That s about it.But what is it about this book that s captured the attention of so many millions of people across the world The absurdly stupid protagonist The pushy, obsessive, totally unrealistic love interest The relationship in which only one party is actually interested in BDSM, and the other is incredibly resistant to it, but is forced into it The terrible writing The awful cover art The cheap, thin binding A story so convoluted, so ridiculous, so totally immature it could only ever have been born from Twilight There is nothing enjoyable about this book This book is garbage There are no two ways about it it is shit Awful, awful shit And I m not sorry for saying so This is my fucking opinion, and I m damn well going to voice it This book can kiss my ass. Garbage Absolutely horrifying, utter trash A waste of trees, bookshelf space and precious, oh so very fucking precious braincells Honestly, why is this even published Every single book store in Sydney is promoting this tripe, claiming it to be some kind of awesome romance novel Are you absolutely shitting me There is nothing romantic at all about this book And I don t mean the BDSM erotica themes, I mean the fifty levels of abuse in this friggin thing In fact, that s what this book should be called Fifty shades of absolute fucking insanity and abuse I know at least every one star reviewer has taken the title and created their own pun with it, but fuck it, I m jumping on the bandwagon too Before I decided to read this God help me , I kept seeing it everywhere I went, and the book store where I work was involved in the promotion among other book store chains Typical All me and my co workers knew that it was smut, and a hell of a lot of it too We even turned the book into a drinking game, and it goes as thus Flip to a random page of the book If it s something dirty, take a drink I do not recommend this game, for one could die from alcohol poisoning within the first round But if you re feeling adventurous by all means Glad I could be of service to your crazy party ideas But anyway, let s cut to my opinion of this abomination of literature I decided to read it because it sounded like garbage, and I haven t written a review about garbage in too long I owed something to the people who actually found me worthwhile to follow on Goodreads So I decided hell, I ll review this Brain cells I will never, ever, EVER, get back.This is literally the worst book I have ever read, and I say that about many books But this is the worst book for a damn good reason Let s talk about what I hated about this book The bottom line is I hated absolutely everything And I m not saying that to be funny, I m saying that out of all seriousness I didn t find a single redeeming quality in this book With the Hush, hush series we at least had the unintentional hilarity and the awesomeness of Marcie In Twilight we had that chick who wanted to kill Bella and Tyler s van Fifty shades of Grey has no such redeeming qualities The characters are bland and merely props to set the stage for fucking weird BDSM ing, and the plot was lost somewhere in the vagina of the author s wet dream Believe me, I feel weird for even typing these words Not to mention, even though everyone already knows this, this was originally a Twilight fan fiction called Master of the universe or some shitty, stupid title like that How did such a thing get published What, Twilight wasn t horrible and abuse glorifying enough, so we had to kick it up a notch with publishing Master of the universe Are you people serious Why is it that dumber and dumber things are getting published Quality is almost non existent Fucking hell But before I rant on for hours about that, let s talk about the characters Oh, I mean props Yeah, props is appropriate Why Because the characters, for all the personality they had may as well have been props Our first main prop is Ana, aka Bella Swan The plain, virginal wallflower who thinks lowly of herself whilst everyone around her just seems to freaking worship her She is also clumsy, reads books, has divorced parents, doesn t get along with her step father, and is a brain dead moronic twat Remind you of anyone I wonder who you re thinking of That is a humdinger, isn t it I m amazed how many women are not pissed off with her complete lack of sense and self respect She lets a man abuse her physically and emotionally, and allows him to satiate his ever growing need to control her completely, passing it off as some cute obsessive habit And even if she has doubts and runs away, she comes running back to him only seconds after How are people not pissed off about this Seriously Not to mention she has zero personality, zero brain cells, and zero common sense Her character serves no purpose other than becoming some abusive asshole s sex toy And let s not forget our second main prop, Christian Grey, aka Edward Cullen, aka creepy stalker sociopathic megalomaniacal abusive horrifying asshole The fact that he has fangirls in the real world has pretty much ruined my faith in mankind, and the new generation Christian Gray pretty much pushes the limits that Edward Cullen, Patch, Daniel and others have yet to push due to their PG ratings, but fuck does Christian Grey push those fucking limits He physically abuses Ana, and it somehow gets excused on the account that she was briefly aroused by it SERIOUSLY PEOPLE SERIOUSLY Fuck my life He also decides what she should eat, what she should wear, how she should act, speak, communicate with him, where she can and can t go or what she can and can t do, threatens her constantly even with physical violence, and the list goes on I kid you not He even has this set out as a contract which by the way is repeated at least 5 times in the fucking book Here s another example of how romantic this mother fucker isI like the control it gives me, Anastasia I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don t, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire See Romantic as freaking Mel Gibson And by the way, the women who find this guy romantic need some serious therapy Seriously Harsh I know, but finding this guy romantic is like like excusing the actions of a child molester because he has nice hair This is not romantic This is ABUSIVE and WRONG on sooooo many levels.I don t know why they decided to plant this book in the general romance section This is not romantic And don t give me the IT S MEANT TO BE BDSM, SO IT S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DOM VS SUB This goes way beyond the good ol BDSM theme and just ends up treading into abusive territory Christian takes these aspects into the relationship where he ends up not only controlling a woman sexually, but also emotionally, and deliberately moulding her into not just a sex partner, but an ideal of what he wants her to be and leaves her no room for her individuality and instead brands it as punishable That s not part of the BDSM jig I m sorry, but it s not Why people even call this romantic is beyond me I already mentioned the abusive aspects of this so called relationship, but other than that it was a relationship built on air Since neither of the characters had any personality outside their sex drives, they had nothing that they saw in each other They couldn t relate to each other, they didn t share any common interests, they didn t do any good for each other, outside the sexy stuff And at the end they want to pass it off as though the two are actually in love Give me a break Watching people get swooped at by magpies is romantic that this garbage.The plot There was no plot Seriously, I could not find it ANYWHERE I searched and searched but alas, my search has left me unrewarded Let me explain in a quick paragraph how this book goes Girl meets some guy Some guy is hot Girl thinks some guy is hot Hot some guy shows up where girl who thinks some guy is hot works Hot some guy asks out girl, takes her virginity Stuff happens Hot some guy introduces girl who thinks he s hot, by the way to his BDSM sex dungeon, and the next half of the book is spent pondering whether or not girl who thinks some guy is hot, in case it wasn t mentioned enough in the book wants to indulge in hot some guy s fantasies Also the hot some guy takes complete control over girl did I mention she thinks he s hot who seems to be totally okay with it More stuff happens Girl gets spanked too hard, breaks up with hot some guy The end That s it That s the whole book And the whole Ohhh Christian has secrets bullcrap in the blurb Bullcrap His secrets are mentioned in only 5% of the book and drive the plot nowhere The book is only about how some asshole wants to control some stupid girl The other characters are barely relevant They were just props whose only role was to be interested in the relationship between Ana and Christian They didn t seem to be interested in anything else They could be buttering toast and thinking I wonder how hard Christian is fucking Ana right now An absolute waste The media might be promoting this tripe as the new hero of literature, but this is and always will be just another wart on the ass of literature, along with Twilight and all its descendants You know what they say, you can polish a turd, but it will still be a turd. 0 stars DNF 55% Review edited February 12, 2015 Sex is than an act of pleasure, it s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can t take it And at this moment you re a part of them Author unknown I ve had a rather long list of issues when I decided to abandon ship FSoShit is garbage and if I had read a paperback I would have burned the fucking offending thing It s a total mystery to me why this book ever saw the light of day because, let s face it, the writing is incredibly juvenile The story and characters are extremely poorly written and I couldn t for the life of me connect with the dumb, clumsy, na ve and immature heroine Also, the slimy whacko didn t deserve to be called hero Christian is a highly manipulative, abusive and stalker ish asshole His whispers didn t endear him to me either He came off as a total creep I honestly don t understand what Ana saw in him, yet on the other hand, I didn t get it why Christian would stalk that bland and vapid wallflower In any event, these two deserved each other and Ana obviously enjoyed Grey s blunt and crude approach.The whole contract business was pretty much mind boggling I don t believe that a healthy and consensual Dom sub relationship could be based upon such crappy and ridiculous rules.Christian, the rich Superman sarcasm , deflowered our wallflower in a way that s not even worthy of losing any words over that pathetic fuck So, you did guess right I neither found the sex to be hot nor erotic At.All Thus, I d better buy him a ticket to the next Mars expedition stat That would ensure that Mr Grey would not return to our cozy place called Mother Earth.FSoG lacked depth and emotion big time Except of disgust and anger I felt nothing towards these pathetic main protagonists and their fucked up trip bored me to tears.The winking smileys irritated the hell outta me and all that inner goddess shit made me almost blow a fuse Jesus.Fucking.Christ Would you give me a break already I ve read a variety of erotica books and I do enjoy great smexin that comes with some kind of depth and great characterization However, I m not sorry to say that FSoG is ranking among the worst erotica books I ve ever read.What s seriously bugging me as well is the fact that the general public thinks that FSoShit provides almost every woman s erotic fantasy I don t criticize readers who loved this book but I m criticizing the media coverage I don t appreciate it when these people claim to know that s what a general majority of women love to read and want in real life or in the bedroom for that matter Seriously Never Ever FSoG is bad erotica It s bad BDSM too When people say FSoG is empowering women in their sexuality, then I think something is seriously wrong Never ever could this story empower me in my sexuality What in God s name is on their minds I can do it all by myself with my very healthy hand, and I can gladly say that my boyfriend is empowering me just fine and is taking care of my needs Thank you very much BTW, my boyfriend is not an abusive and manipulative stalker Oh, yes, now it dawns on me my boyfriend is real.Bottom line, the barely there plot and the characters were overly shallow, underdeveloped, immature and boring The amateurish writing killed any desire to read anything else by this author in the future And last but not least, my inner goddess was so fucking relieved when she had to quit eventually It was a very tedious and crappy experience and I wish I had never bought this book, let alone attempted to go through this rubbish I was in dire need of bleaching my brain.Christopher Hitchens said Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that s where it should stay. As a side note I didn t want to start this book Many people are praising it but I m simply not into erotica, it s too cheap for me But here I am in the mind of the innocent waiting to be devoured by the big bad wolf Sounds pornographic, doesn t it That s because it is Christian Grey A hot dude that melts a woman s panties off with just one look The perfect sex toy set out to conquer an innocent girl Grey the sick f ck is considered one of the hottest characters out there but he doesn t get to me His dominance is too much for me to handle and his attitude tends to be annoying and slimy Plus he s just wrong in the head so there s no need to add about this creep.Anastasia is an immature insecure desperate idiot who wants to become the whore of Babylon She just wants to listen to her inner goddess wtf and have creepy monkey sex with Grey She has no personality nor will whatsoever, she gets excited over the smallest and most idiotic things you can imagine and even though she sees how wrong Grey the sick f ck is, she still goes for it She s always mooning over Grey like he s some kind of god that she s supposed to worship He tells her that he doesn t want a serious relationship just sex and she s still ok with it Why Just because he s hot He s a damn disgusting pervert He hurt her the first time they made love, she was a virgin for Christ s sake and I don t buy the crap with it being perfect, surely she had vaginal cracks after that , and is treating her like a slave Even though he s a successful businessman and he s rich and famous he still can be a psychopath Just watch American Psycho and you ll know what I m talking about.Now to pick on one of my biggest problems regarding this book THE CONTRACT WTF may I ask Signing paperwork in order to have sex with him Is he a natural hazard or what I get the whole Hey look at me I m badass, I have my own company and helicopter gig cause the guy is stinking rich but the contract Isn t anyone getting angry with this I guess notWhy would I do that To please meWtf All women want to please him Why Cause he s hot He s a perverted assh le that s what he is He s acting like he owns everyone Aren t you guys angryI have rules, and I want you to comply with them They are for your benefit and for my pleasure If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward you If you don t, I shall punish you, and you will learn,Learn this kicks him in the groin CreepIt s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you ll let me exert my will over youHeh right eye twitches exert my will eye twitches again Aren t you guys angry with this yet Question for all the people who gave this book great scores If Grey wasn t so hot would you still have given it such great ratings I doubt you would So this means that the reason why you love the book is mainly Christian Grey being hot and an uber alpha Shallow much Or maybe you re into all the Christian Grey induced monkey sex and torture Psycho much But who am I to judge.This book is just a desperate woman s sick fantasy to be treated like a sex slave I m sorry but it doesn t work for me I DNF d this because I find it disgusting and degrading P.S I have to mention this because some people are too smart to get it MY REVIEW IS STRICTLY RELATED TO FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AND NOT BDSM IN GENERAL So take a chill pill and GTFO. You know, I was beginning to wonder if I needed to change some of my two star books to one star I was thinking that I might not ever personally read a book worthy of one star, and I was messing up my scale by giving some of the lame books I ve read lately two stars instead of one.Thank you E.L James, for proving to me there was something worth waiting for Something that truly exemplifies the meaning of terrible.Now hold up, all you would be defenders I read this whole thing I did not skip anything, I did not skim, I read every word I bought this book with the intention of giving it the benefit of the doubt You see, I love erotica, and I m not ashamed to say that I both read as you see on my 2012 books I ve already read two others and write it myself So I was thinking to myself, oh, maybe there s a possibility that even though this is a twi fiction rewrite, and even though everyone makes fun of it, it could still be a fun little guilty pleasure read that I can laugh along with.NO.NO.NO.NO.This book is NOT erotic sexy funny, even ironically endearing full of sexual taboosThis book IS repetitive plotless well, you knew that painful to get through depicting manipulative, controlling, and self destructive as desirable how to not write a novel how to gain success by using other people s characters, barely changing them and then laughing all the way to the bankMost people know about the twilight matchups so I m not going to go into too much detail, but it was actually quite sickening, how lazy she was to change ANY story details Bella Anastasia, a clumsy girl who grew up in Arizona Las Vegas with her mother, then moved to Forks Vancouver, Washington where her dad stepdad lives, while her mother lives with her new husband in Florida Georgia She has a younger friend named Jacob Jose with a crush on her, and whose dad is friends with her dad, because they are fishing partners and police force army buddies, and who gave her his old truck VW beetle.Edward Christian, who is adopted and has a sibling named Emmett Elliott and a sister named Alice Mia, also adopted, who live with their parents Carlisle Carrick really CARRICK We couldn t even change the first three letters and Esme Grace Their father mother is a doctor Rose Kate and Jasper Ethan are also siblings in this story, but have been changed to be friends of Anastasia, since in Twilight they already have a convenient different last name than the other Cullens.Also, he dazzles her.I can t even function over the fact that upon preparing this book for publishing she couldn t change one fucking thing to make it even remotely different That was too hard TOO DAMN HARD The similarities in character are so untouched that I am sincerely appalled that she thought it different enough to publish as is It s quite disgusting.Alright, continuing on, and once again, I m sure you ve heard this already this book is terribly written Most notably the lack of ability to describe anything other than the few choice phrases she knows how to type He ran his hands through his hair I bit my lip He told me not to bite my lip Oh jeez He grabbed me by the chin to make me look up at him Holy crap I peeked up at him. Lather rinse repeat Over And over And over For 500 pages Then there s the case of multiple personality disorder, where she hears the voices of two distinct other pieces of herself in her head The subconscious, the one telling her she s not good enough, and the inner goddess, the one that s all into the sex It s strange because I m also currently reading a book right now, Deadline, where the main character hears a voice in his head because he is literally insane, and it s written almost the exact same way, he talks back to his voice, who presents herself in italics, just as Anastasia talks back to her two italics voices It s funny because she s supposed to be completely normal, and yet shares the same schizophrenic tendencies as a book about someone who is completely insane This is sense Check out this awesome short paragraph from chapter 24 Through the haze of light, I squint and see Christian leaning over me, smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In black What are these fragments, four in a row What is this punctuation GASP AT HIM BEING CLOTHED Is this supposed to be poetry Let me add some line breaks for poetic interest Through the haze of light, I squint and see ,Christian leaning over me, Smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In black.That s almost better.Let s have another, shall we, from chapter 24 once I didn t put that song on my iPod, he says casually, and puts his foot down so that I am thrown back into my seat as the car accelerates along the freeway WhatHe knows what he s doing, the bastard Who didAnd I have to listen to Britney going on and on Whowho The song ends and the iPod shuffles to Damien Rice being morunful Who WhoI stare out the window, my stomach churning Who SAY WHO AGAIN, BITCH JUST TRY IT, I DARE YOU.Okay and now, maybe even worse than the writing oh hell, nothing s worse than the writing, nevermind is the lack of plot Now once again, you already know this Do I even need to tell you nothing happens Seeing as it s based off of a book where nothing happens, you can be guaranteed that as we go one step removed, even less happens Here is the part where I apologize to Twilight, where I said, in my page by page commentary below, that 50 Shades was entertaining I was at the very beginning I was young and na ve I didn t realize I m sorry You know how The Office kind of got bad after Jim and Pam got together, because there was really nothing you were waiting for after that This happens by likechapter 2 You re likeokay.what, now we jut have to watch them whine as a couple for the next zillion pages Okay I can t even fathom that there are two other books written about this couple I literally want to open the window and invite birds to eat my eyes out as punishment for buying and reading this book.And now for a bit of tiddlybits, I m going to share some information on storywriting that you guys might find interesting, and will help show exactly why 50 Shades has zero plot I went to school for film, and we had story development classes One thing we were beaten over the head with about is something called the 7 Sentence Story This will help for any writers that are writing their books to be cinematic or would like their novel to be considered for film purposes this is by no means a rule, but a really helpful guideline First, you need a problem, a conflict A reason to tell a story Once you have that, your plot should be able to be described in seven sentences thusly Exposition we are introduced to the protagonist and or main charactersInciting Incident something happens that kicks off the conflict, the whole point of the storyPlot Point 1 because of the inciting incident, character sets off to do something correct the problem, etcMidpoint here in film you might see a montage, but it s a place where either plot point 1 is resolved or there is a transition in the characters way of thinkingPlot Point 2 often an even bigger issue arises, or a twist that changes or accelerates the conflictClimax final showdown or decisions needed to be madeResolution everything comes to an end, the conflict is settled in one way or anotherBasically, if you can tell your story in this way in seven sentences, you ll know that A the main point is clear, B that your story doesn t wander too much in different directions, and C that you actually have a plot to stand on, that you can justify there s enough substance there And since that s a lot of vagueness, we ll go with a classic captive dominant story to show how one tells a story in seven sentences Disney s Beauty and the Beast First, the main conflict Conflict The prince has been turned into a beast and has only a limited time left before he is trapped forever as one.And the seven sentence story Exposition Belle is a smart girl who rejects the advances of Gaston, as she doesn t want to be stuck in a mundane life.Inciting Incident Belle s father gets lost and captured by the Beast in his castle.Plot Point 1 Belle trades her freedom for her father and is prisoner in the castle.Midpoint Belle starts to experience feelings for the Beast and is complacent.Plot Point 2 Belle s father is sick, and the Beast decides to let her go, even though he s giving up his chances of being with her.Climax Gaston comes with an angry mob to destroy the Beast.Resolution While Beast lays dying, his love for Belle turns him back into a human and he can live with her happily ever after Simple, right Of course, other things happen, but no doubt you can communicate the main story with just these sentences Okay, so let s try 50 Shades, which, hilariously, has had its film rights bought already Conflict Anastasia must decide whether to be with a guy who she thinks is super hot but also scares her This fascinating decision, I tell you what Exposition Anastasia is a literary student at WSU.Inciting Incident Anastasia meets Christian on page 7, and thinks he s hot and mysterious and also frustrating It is clear they both have chemistry.Plot Point 1, which is sloppy and all over the place Christian chases her down, brings her to his house and shows her he s into SM Also they have sex.Sorta Midpoint, but kind of squished close to Plot Point 1 Anastasia must decide whether to pledge herself to him via contract if she wants to continue seeing him Plot Point 2 Nah, she s still deciding and whining about how he s kind of scary but continues to have sex with him throughout this whole time There is no plot point 2.Climax Well there isn t really one, it s just kind of an all over the place endingeither the complicated sex scene at the end with the hymnal music or him hitting with her with the belt the next morning, one of the two I guessResolution She says he s too weird and ends it What a complex, thrilling, and incredible plot full of depth SHOULD I HAVE CUT THAT FOR SPOILERS OOPS Did you even care If you ve gotten this far, nope.But guess what We know that there are two other books and they get together and lesson isn t really learned so AWESOME, COOL I guess that s how she gets people to buy the next ones because hot diggedy I can t wait to see them get back together and whine some.And let s talk about the sex for a moment Nothing forbidden actually happens that you ll be like ohhhh how scandalous I want to try that For the most part it s pretty much all basic stuff or basic toy play, because basically he s taking it easier on her since she s inexperienced Except for the belt part at the end, I guess, which just doesn t sound fun.And you already heard about the tampon, so like, that s not even a surprise although imo it s not a big deal anyway Out of all the women having sex on their periods regularly, I can guarantee you there are quite a few men that are tasked with taking the tampon out and throwing it aside I was actually upset about the fact that she is sleeping completely naked in a hotel room bed on day two of her period As if that isn t going to be a mess in the morning.Okay lest I go on as long as the book, you get the point If you want to see , my commentary while reading it is below However, a few things I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged shows from the point of view of this 21 year old I m gonna buy plane ticketson the Internet ARE YOU NOW WHOAOOOAOAOA Don t get crazy on us, I might be too overwhelmed by this turn of events I fired up my email BLAZING SPEEDS REQUIRED They actually do the you hang up no you hang up no you that gross couples tend to do And it was, expectedly, gross Someone on ONTD who liked this book yelled at me because I said that Christian is not a dominant they also said I wasn t experienced enough to understand, lol okay, like you know who I am, anon I still stand by that statement It s not what he s doing, it s how he s doing it He is deeply troubled, whiny, and manipulative, and while he does love control, it s for the wrong reasons He was abused as a child, and sexually abused as a 15 year old and vastly denies it, and because of this he justifies his activities as personal preference when he is in fact a bit too fucked up to currently have a relationship He ends up making the na ve Anastasia batshit crazy because he continues to string her along, trying to convince her they want the same things, instead of getting himself some help He gives her the illusion that she has the choice to back out, but then turns around and says ha ha I m joking but I know where to find you by the way She goes to visit her mother because she needs a break from him to think, and what does he do Flies out there, using his roundabout stalker way of finding information about where she s at, like he always does, to meet up, have sex with her and take her out with him She s supposed to be visiting her mother and having time to think, yet he can t stay away and makes this about HIM, taking her away from time with her mom whom she hasn t seen in 6 months I can t at this selfish fucking bastard because he just can t stay away.It makes me mad just thinking about someone that clingy Which is another thing that pisses me off, almost everything about their whining and relationship conversations reminds me of everything I ve hated about past relationships I ve had How does ANYONE enjoy this book How does anyone think that this is sexy, that this depicts something they want I can t even.I cannot Also I should never have imagined Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl as the main characters Now everytime I see a commercial for Gossip Girl, rage courses through my body I m bored Someone get me out of here.P.S Did you know that James recently stated she s set the bar for writing pretty high Cool.Please, do yourself a favor and go buy a book of much higher quality plot and writing, ohhhh like.Modelland. What in the hell just happened Did I really read that Oh, my god, I did I did read that Meet Anastasia Steele Ana is just a giant mess of a human being She s insecure to the point of it being laughable, klutzy even though she only trips twice in the entire book , and a complete ditz She s a virgin of course who s never taken any sexual interest in anyone before Right I m fairly certain there hasn t been a woman this naive since round about 1954 At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian s lusty advances Fuckin reallyShe flushes constantly, and on several occasions referred to her hoo hoo naughty place as down there Next, we have Christian Grey Christian is a misogynistic, self loathing, abusive piece of shit Apparently, his only redeeming qualities are, in this order his ridiculous good looks, his money, and his giant penis The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he s being lovable , and those times are few and far between Most of the time he s serious, brooding, and threatening How charming.I knew from the very first line this wasn t going to be goodI scowl with frustration at myself in the mirrorIt was cemented that early, my deep, deep dislike for this moronic, simpering asshole Your hair won t behave Guess what My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any sympathy she feels for her sick friend is unwelcome Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu What a petty, jealous cunt The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone What a painful journey it was My first impressions of Ana were bad deservedly so What were my first impressions of Christian Well That s how I felt about Christian Grey From the beginning Any time an author tries to sell me on a character s charm by waxing hormonal about how ridiculously good looking he is, I snicker inwardly I can t think why Huh.Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian s building hello, first penis metaphor , I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end Turns out, I found something about 15% through I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said Oh my in this monumentally bad missive Do you I ll tell you 79 79 motherfucking times He pulled me back against his chest oh my He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my He s an insufferable douchenozzle, oh my I m just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point About halfway through, I wished I d been keeping track of the word crap because Ana is constantly saying thinking it Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear read the words inner goddess again, I m going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don t shut the fuck up I m sorry, I just couldn t take any of this seriously His playroom His playroom Really Or how about his weird ass issues with food He wants the girl slim and in shape, yet he won t stop trying to force her to eat I simply love the attempt E.L James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit Yawn haven t heard any of that before And Christian we know Christian s super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love his love of music Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music Music lovers just aren t capable of doing anything bad Surprise Psychos like music, too Since this is considered nothing than mommy porn , I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment Were the sex scenes well written Well, none of it was particularly well written The sex scenes could be kind ofhonestly, they were kind of boring I ve had exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience There s nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing than a passing, pleasant soreness Riiiight How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth Hello Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene Oh, you ve already heard about the tampon scene Yeah, same here, although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is horrifying than you could possibly imagineHe reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string whatAndgently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toiletLook, I m not against sex during menses, but a guy plucking out a girl s tampon Yeah, gross I m not a prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn t cross What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana s raggin because he hates using condoms Apparently, Mr GinormoDick doesn t know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he s doing to remedy Ana s sexual ignorance Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele We re supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating Hm Well, Christian s supposed sexual prowess makes a bit sense now, as does Ana s assertion that he has a giant bologna wand She has absolutely zero experience, and she s never once had anything in there Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she d still be like, Oh, my glob How is it ever going to fit It s good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she s capable of having like, 15 a day or something It s ridiculous Come to think of it, Christian s obsession with her eating habits makes a bit sense now She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie Seriously, though, are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she s never even masturbated I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening, butreally Oh, he s soooo good in bed How the hell would she know She has absolutely nothing with which to compare, not even her own damn hand Now I ll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing It s the plot Thin as it is, it s still there, its core message being that, given enough time, you can change someone While I don t have any problem with this if all you re trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you re talking about an emotionally and dangerously close to physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible Christian is controlling, possessive, condescending, and cruel He doesn t allow Ana to behave as she normally would, and Ana just puts up with it, insistent that if she can give him what he wants, when he wants, as often as he wants, she can eventually begin to pull his strings Will it work In the books, probably In real life No Almost never How many misguided women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they ve read shit like this and think this kind of fucked up fairytale will come true for them I ve known women with this mentality Oh, he s so dark and dangerous and threatening, but he s got a sad, lonely side, and if I could just figure out what s wrong, I could change him Wake the fuck up He may be hot, he may have a huge dick, he may even be rich, that doesn t make him a good person It doesn t even make him a potentially good person Quit.Being.A.Fucking.Idiot Look, I can make my words Staccato like Christian Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out Ana and Christian I said don t roll your eyes at me Christian stalks Ana which she turns into a fucking joke , and whispers things to her threateningly She s constantly afraid he s going to beat the crap out of her, and with good reason as he, on than one occasion, tells her he s going to wants to.Potential rape is downplayed Ana s friend, Jake Jose, starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they re both drunk Ana repeatedly says no, but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop, however, and saves her Ana understandably avoids Jose for a while after that, and when her other friend asks her why, all Ana says is, He made a pass at me Later on, she and Jose are friends again, the attempted kiss forgotten Sigh Rapists appear to be a theme Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person This is not just in the bedroom, but in Ana s overall life On several occasions, he fails to yield when Ana says no, plunging on regardless, assured she ll like whatever he does, anyway, so why bother stopping And there are women out there who think this is romantic I wish you the best of luck, ladies Just keep in mind that while you re fantasizing about abusive, misogynistic assholes like Grey, there are a lot of women dealing with the horrors of actually living with men like him For all you ladies bustin out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr Grey, I want you to do something for me It ll only take a moment Close your eyes Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats..and now.imagine he looks like this Still turned on The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can t give her what she needs love sniff And we re treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian s hands, and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian It really is classic abuse mentality Yet I see her being touted by some as strong and independent It s this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades Women who defend this book are, however unwittingly, participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I ve ever witnessed, giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased, abused, and controlled outside of a consensual Dom sub relationship This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate It s a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn t even show her the faintest glimmer of respect It s about two attention starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is like, the best thing ever, OMG It s trite, insulting, and dangerous I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate If nothing else, it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs This book does good men and indeed, all of humanity a disservice Sigh A bestseller They re thinking of turning it into a movie.I can t Word Count Oh My 79 Crap 101 Jeez 82 Holy shit fuck crap hell cow moses 172 Whoa 13 Gasp 34 Gasps 11 Sharp Intake of Breath 4 Murmur 68 Murmurs 139 Whisper 96 Whispers 103 Mutter 28 Mutters 23 Fifty 16 Lip 71 Inner goddess 58 Subconscious 82Click here for my review of Fifty Shades Darker Fifty Shades, 2.